I wasn’t going to share about this because I have just been so mad. I am the “eternal optimist,” and I don’t like to share anything negative because this world has enough of that without me adding to it. But if you are on the journey of infertility then you already know it isn’t easy. We can plaster a smile on our faces and try to stay positive, but to be completely transparent, sometimes this just plain sucks.

I was 3 days late (which never happens) so I took this test. I just knew this was our month. When I saw that it was negative my jaws immediately clenched and I just wanted to throw it against the wall. 

Now, like so many in the Infertility Community, who knows when we’ll get to start fertility treatments again. And while we wait, my endometriosis is just going to continue growing back, making it that much more difficult to conceive.

Couples have had to stop IVF cycles right in the middle of their cycle. Embryo transfers cancelled, some on their very last attempt of IVF.  Money, time, energy – all wasted. 

I’ve been sitting in my anger. I’ve been trying to sort my feelings as I scroll through social media and see the meme “the baby boom we’re going to see in December because of COVID-19”. By the way – do you know how lucky you are to get pregnant just out of boredom? 

Every time I’d go to write about this, vent about just how upset I was – I just couldn’t. 

Because the real truth is, every single time I have taken a pregnancy test to see that it’s negative, God has put someone in my path that same exact day to remind me that we’re not alone in this. 

This time, I received a group text from the Infertility/Infant Loss group I’m in at church: “The road to infertility and loss is tough but know He is using it to refine you, draw you to Him, He is making “new wine” out of you.”  This text came literally an hour after I got my negative pregnancy test. 

Last month, I got my negative test and the next night we just so happened to be getting together with some of our friends. That night 4 of my close friends surrounded me and covered me in prayer. 
The month before, I got a negative test and then had already planned to meet up with my sister for lunch which always puts me in a good mood. 

Like you, I feel like my world has spun out of control.

I thought we’d be pregnant by now, but now I don’t even know what the next few months hold. All I know is that we won’t be able to do fertility treatments.

Everything is out of my control. I feel like we’re all stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. 

But He hasn’t left me. He hasn’t left you either. I know these are scary times. You may be facing unemployment, you may have a family member or friend who is diagnosed with COVID-19, and many are going to lose people we love to this virus. But I promise you, He is still in the boat with us. We just have to keep our eyes up and our faith in Him.  And Stay Home.

Please let me know how I can pray for you. Anxiety, illness, depression, fear, whatever it may be.

“A great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking over the boat, so that the boat was already being swamped. He was in the stern, sleeping on the cushion. So they woke him up and said to him, “Teacher! Don’t you care that we’re going to die?” He got up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Silence! Be Still!” The wind ceased, and there was a great calm. Then he said to them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?” Mark 4:37-40