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This year. Full of the most beautiful highs and the lowest lows.

From moments of not being able to comprehend the sights before my eyes; trying to savor every second- to moments that I couldn’t force to move fast enough. Diagnoses, surgeries, airports, hospitals, hotels. Only one word comes to mind; intense.

In January, the moment they pulled our son back to the operating room, to operate on his eye. I asked God why he chose MY perfect little boy to have this problem.

The phone call in March from my sister that had confirmed our fears, the lump was breast cancer.

I can point to the exact place in my house where I literally fell to my knees in tears, begging God to take the cancer away and for answers that would justify why he gave my sister cancer. The day’s when I was in so much physical pain that I literally couldn’t stand up. The month full of worry and panic as I was referred to an oncologist to see if the tumors around my ovaries were cancerous. My surgery, and then my diagnosis of stage three endometriosis & secondary infertility.  Annnnd now, we’re rounding out the year with a failed IUI cycle.

These are the things I thought would break me this year. The heavy things that pushed me to my knees and forced me to be in constant conversation with God. Whether out of anger, thankfulness, frustration, or as a plea for help. I can’t count the times I looked up and said “Why?!” 

But looking back I can’t believe the goodness that God provided, even through all of this. Tripp’s surgery has proven to be successful, his vision is improving tremendously and his prescription has been cut in half. We were able to travel to Ireland, as well as Los Angeles & Seattle. Ben studied his heart out and passed his CFP exam. My sister and nephew got to stay with us for the 8 weeks she underwent radiation. I met one of my siblings for the first time ever. I graduated from college. And, my sister is in REMISSION. 

But it’s been more than just what you see at surface level. The transformation that this roller coaster of a year has put my heart through, woah. It’s just unexplainable. It’s cracked me open in ways I never saw coming and humbled me in ways I didn’t know I needed. It’s drawn me closer to people I can’t imagine my life without now.

Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual, and maybe that’s a good thing. If given the option, I know I’d try to skip out on the dark parts. But without the darkness we’d never see the light.

I have found that God never lets us endure pain without a purpose, and there is tremendous beauty in the brokenness. 

Praying your 2020 is full of love, happiness, dreams, lots of good coffee and great books.