Infertility is hard. Secondary infertility is hard, too.
But I can see God’s fingerprints all over our journey to build a family. I can confidently say that the first time we went through infertility God was trying to pull us closer to Him and each other. Our prayers revolved around asking for a baby. I can’t tell you how many trips to the altar we made, hand in hand. Going through secondary infertility has been a different kind of hard.
Secondary infertility has tested and built my patience.
I know He’s done it before – so there is frustration in the fact He hasn’t done it again. But I can already look back over our secondary infertility journey and see God’s handiwork. I’m learning about His character. He’s always turning my head to see different ways that He is present, He hasn’t left us. I’m learning that no matter what, baby or no baby, He truly is still good. I’ve said that before but I don’t think I ever truly believed it.
Secondary infertility has been the biggest reminder of the precious gift that our son is, and how much we prayed for him.
When he’s driving me bonkers and I feel frustrated, there are times when I can just look into his gorgeous blue eyes and I swear I’m staring at the face of God. I think about all the women who are still waiting for their answered prayer, and it brings me to my knees. Those feelings are all too familiar. I know the feeling of wondering what I’d done wrong. How had I failed God so badly that He decided I wasn’t worthy of being a mom? Why was my body broken? Sometimes those thoughts still creep up.
To the woman with an empty womb and a baby on your mind
I don’t know what to say to help with any of those thoughts you’re having. I wouldn’t have known what to say to myself when I was walking through it the first time. Just keep your eyes on Jesus. Let the anger and frustration that you’re feeling be the driving force to get on your knees and talk to God. Cry, yell, do whatever you need to do. He’s there for all of it.
Looking back, I’m glad we had to walk through what we went through. I’m glad we are walking it out again. Honestly, I couldn’t have said that a couple of months ago. It’s exhausting – mentally, physically, financially, and emotionally. But without feeling completely undone, I don’t think I’d fully recognize the wild glory of getting to know the character of Christ so deeply.
1 Peter 4:12-13
Dear friends, don’t be surprised when the fiery ordeal comes among you to test you as if something unusual were happening to you. Instead rejoice as you share in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may also rejoice with great joy when His glory is revealed.